Forgiving The Unforgivable
By: Nathaniel Leatherwood
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At the heart of Christianity is the concept of forgiving others for wrongs they have committed against us and/or others. The other half of this equation is asking Jesus to forgive us for our wrongs and truely accepting it.
Yet for many Christians, achieving this state of mind and spirit remains elusive. Often, we think we have achieved it only to be wronged in a bigger and worse way or make a worse mistake ourselves. That can challenge us to "re-learn" how to forgive again.
The Bible has much to say about forgiving. Jesus Christ demonstrated the ultimate in forgiveness by forgiving the people crucifying Him while he was dying on the cross to forgive all humanity for all sin for all time. (Luke 23:34)
While Jesus Christ did nothing to deserve the crucifixtion that he received - he was sinless - all of us have sinned and are therefore sinners. Sin is best defined by violating even one of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:3-17) just once. Without Jesus, we will all die for our sins and will not have life with Jesus in heaven forever. With Him we will be saved and live with Him forever (John 3:16).
Humans have assigned varying degrees of sinfulness to specific sins (murder is a worse than telling a lie), that is not how God sees it at all. To God, any sin is the same as any other sins (telling 1 lie is as bad as committing 10,000 murders). That IS the way God sees things. Sin IS sin. Its all the same to God. His ways are greater than human ways.
Realizing what the sinless Jesus suffered and that He forgave His executioners while they were killing him, is perhaps the first step in learning how to forgive. It may also be the first step in re-learning how to forgive when we are challenged to do so. Jesus died on the cross to forgive all human beings for all sin for all time.
Forgiving someone else for their wrongs against us or others is not easy. Neither is forgiving ourselves. Nonetheless, it is essential to forgive if we want to be forgiven and if we want to be able to grow forward. And that is what life is about. Growing forward toward Jesus.
Forgiving is essential to being free. When we do not forgive someone else, the other person does not suffer. We do. We also suffer and are imprisoned when we do not forgive ourselves.
Feeling pain, hurt, anger, rage, hatred, aggression or guilt is a prison in itself and does not bring peace, joy or love into our lives. In fact, those negative feelings drive love away from us and attract into our lives exactly what we do not want. Those negative feelings are poison that will eventually kill us and/or others!
When we forgive others and surrender judgement and vengance to God, we arrive at a place of peace in our minds and spirits. We are forgiven of our sins. We surrender our imperfect will to God's Perfect Will. We put God in his rightful place to deal with the other person directly.
And what is better? Seeking revenge and committing more sin(s) by taking matters into our own hands or giving the matter to God and watching what He will do with the wrong-doer? God is powerful and works in mysterious and effective ways. Always.
Are you with me so far? I pray so.
Are you ready to grow beyond the trap of unforgiveness? Great! Its well worth the effort I can assure you.
Lets address some common misconceptions about forgiving other people and learn some practical ways we can apply foregivness to situations and circumstances we face every day.
Misconception #1:
Forgiving someone else means I have to continue having contact with them.
Different relationships and circumstances deserve different treatment. Every situation is different. Only you and God, together, can determine the best way to handle any given situation where you are required to forgive before you go to the alter to give to the Lord.
Here are some ideas however that I have found to be useful.
If you are married to the person, no matter how wrong you may feel about marrying them, God requires more of you than if you were not married.
If however, you are being physically threatened or abused, married or not, you should get out of the situation immediately no matter what. If this is your situation and you need a way out, get out. You may also visit our Prayer Partners page for resources that may make your next steps easier.
God excuses divorce in one case only: infidelity. Sex outside the marriage however is not the only way one can be guilty of infidelity.
Here is Webster's definition of infidelity:
1. Lack of faith, trust or loyalty.
2. Lack of belief in all religion or in any one religion, especially Christianity.
3. Unfaithfullness, particularly in married persons; a violation of the marriage covenant by adultery (cheating).
4. An unfaithful or disloyal act; treachery; deceit.
So as you can see, you may need to think long and hard about not only your spouses' conduct but also your own before you hire a lawyer and file a lawsuit for divorce.
Matthew 5:32
Matthew 19:9
Which comes right back to the heart of the matter. Do we want to be forgiven? If so, we are required to learn to forgive and forget.
Realize that cutting off a relationship does not automatically mean you have forgiven the other person in any way at all. In fact, often the opposite is true.
The bottom line on this is that forgiving someone else is a completely separate issue from the decision about maintaining or severing contact with the other person.
2. I have to contact the other person in order to forgive them and forget their sins against me.
Realize that you can forgive someone else in your heart and tell Jesus you forgive them even if they are dead. You do not have to call the other person, email them, send them a postal mail message or have any other contact with them at all.
By following God's plan and honoring Him above yourself and the other person (by forgiving others), you will receive the benefits of forgiving in your life, regardless of the outcome on the other end.
Practical Application Ideas:
a. Write the other person (dead or alive) a letter. Tell them what they did wrong. Tell them how it hurt you and negatively affected your life. Address the envelope. Put a stamp on it. DO NOT SEND IT TO THEM!!!. Put it in your memories box.
b. If you are persued by the other person via phone, email, fax, etc., you are not obligated to respond to them. This is especially good to know and use when you do not feel peace inside when you receive the comunication attempt from the person who has wronged you.
Many times, the Holy Spirit is convicting the other person and that is answered prayer. The other person is attempting to make contact to avoid the conviction. Don't interfere in what God is already working on by responding hastily or in anger, guilt, loneliness or when any other emotion is running the show and driving your bus!
Give it time (days) and then decide if and how to respond. In the meantime, enjoy the newly birthed freedom in your heart, mind and spirit as you get on with your best life now.
All of this will probably feel wierd at first. It may at first even feel like it is wrong. Its not. Taking good care of yourself is never wrong in God's sight. Remember that! Give it some time (days). Wait on the Lord to guide you on what to do next - if anything at all.
Luke 17:3-4
c. Thank God for Jesus Christ and the price He paid on the cross to forgive you for your sins. Realize that when you ask forgiveness and repent (quit your sins) then you are forgiven and every single thing you did wrong in your life before is now forgiven and forgotten in God's sight and its like its at the bottom of the ocean. Gone!!!
Matthew 6:14-15
Matthew 18:21
Mark 11:25-26
Luke 6:37
Luke 11:4
3. Forgiving someone else means I have to let them keep on committing wrongs against me now and forever.
No way. God created you to have a life that is happy, joyous and free. Jesus came so that we might have life and have it more abundantly.
John 10:7-18
God does not want you to be a doormat to others who abuse you repeatedly. God says to not cast your pearls (your best) before swine (pigs). This is the case even if the other person is a born-again Christian.
Matthew 7:6
If the other person is truely repentant and really changes behavior demonstrated over a period of time (months) then perhaps you may grow to forgive them and let them re-enter your life. Or perhaps not. Its between you and the Lord. Draw near to Him.
James 4:8
If you cast your best before someone and they not only destroy it but then use it as a way to attack you, their actions have defined them as swine. Hold them accountable. If they can not accept the responsibility, remove them from your A-List, give them to God and pray for His Will to be done in their life.
Luke 17:3-4
The bottom line is that God wants you to forgive everyone for everything they ever did wrong to you so you can be free to grow. He also knows however that continuing to let the other person abuse you and trample on you and the best you have to offer will prevent you from growing as well. Sometimes, in order to keep growing and living, you are forced to say "Good-bye and good-riddance".
4. If I forgive the other person, no one is going to hold them accountable for their actions against me and/or others
a. If the other person is committing a crime, especially a violent crime, get yourslelf out of the situation and report it the police. If you are being harmed, by all means call the police right away.
Do not however be premeditated or hasty in doing this. For instance, if you are calling the police because you are just sick and tired of seeing him or her and want to see them go to jail for it when the other person has not committed the crime you are accusing them of, you are violating the Ninth Commandment; You shall not bear false witness.
Exodus 20:3-17
In reality, when you completely forgive the other person(s) of their most grevious wrongs against you, you are surrendering control of the whole thing to God. This is where forgiveness is best given. Why? Because as humans we are not thinking rationally when we are upset and this is often the case when we have been wronged in the worst way(s) by someone else.
God however is always rational and just. God knows all. God sees all. While humans can not read hearts or minds, God can and God does. He knows every hair on their head and yours. Do you? Of course not.
What does God give you in return for sacrificing your earthly desires and giving your weaknesses to Him? He gives you strength you never knew you had and in a bigger way than you could ever plan out on your best day.
Give it to God.
5. I forgive the other person but I can't forget what they did... no way... not ever.
Think again about your own mistakes. Are you really sure that you can not forget this in order to move forward? Do you want the most grevious sins you have committed forgotten? This may not be possible while remaining in relationship with the other person. But ending the relationship does not excuse you from forgiving the other person if you want to be free and grow and be forgiven yourself.
In the case that you can not forget, you may be best off in ending the relationship. If you do not end it, you will be trapped in a cycle of unforgiveness and persecuting the other person. Your persecutions will cause guilt and a greater need for foregiveness for yourself. This inevitably leads to more problems in the relationship and more problems for both people in it. This is a downward spiral you MUST pull out of.
If you can't forget the sin, then you may need to forget the relationship so that you can grow to be able to forgive and forget. Your decision is between you and God and no one else. Others will have their opinions and advice for sure but only God knows the best path forward for you. Draw nearer to Him and He will draw nearer to you. James 4:8
Is this making any sense? Give one or more of these ideas a try for a few months and then decide.
Caveat: When you practice real foregiveness with someone else, things are going to change for the better for you. The other person may become uncomfortable with the changes and the fact that you intiated them. Do not let that you stop you or even cause you to hesitate in applying your new and improved loving forgiveness on the situation. Anytime you feel like doing that, give it back to God and pray for them more. Pray that God's Will be done in their lives. God can deal with it far better than you and/or I ever could. Don't surrender to the other person. Surrender yourself and the sitation to God.
Know that their squirmming and back-peddling is God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit convicting them and dealing with them in a way that only God can do.
Practical Ways To Move Forward
Forgive Yourself
Forgive yourself. Jesus died on the cross to set you free from your sins. Do you receive it? If you do not receive it, you are invalidating Jesus Christ.
If you have never accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior or if you have fallen away from the Lord and need a fresh, clean start, be sure to do so now.
Let's also look at some practical ways to avoid circumstances where we will most likely end up being wronged in the first place.
Do Not Have Sex Outside of Marriage
Do not have sex with anyone outside of marriage. God's law related to this has been ignored in recent years and it has caused so many problems that it is impossible to name them all. God made this law for a reason. He knows that when two people have sex together, they have created a union in their bodies, minds and spirits.
Matthew 15:19
1 Corinthians 6:18
1 Corinthians 7:2
1 Thessalonians 4:3
Jude 1:7
By having a sexual relationship with someone before marriage, you are blinded to many things about the other person that you would see if you were not having sex. This is very important because you do want to be with the right person but you can't see the other person clearly enough to know if they are the right one or the wrong one once you are having sex with them. God is wise.
If you are having sex outside of marriage, then either marry the other person, quit having sex until you are married or get out of the relationship. Then ask Jesus to forgive you for your sin and wash you clean so you can try again, following God's law.
All Human Beings Are Sinners
Realize that every human being is a sinner as such will let you down in one way or another, sooner or later. The only way to guarantee that you will not be wronged ever by another human being is to become a hermit and go live in a cave somewhere far away from society. Short of doing that, there are some practical ways to avoid being wronged.
Look For The Red Flags
Look for the red-flags before you get into relationships too deeply with others. No one is perfect, not even you. We all have some sort of issue(s) we need to deal with but some people have more than others. We all have committed sins that we need to be forgiven of so we can grow to become better people in their walk with the Lord.
Red flags are often revealed to us when we are looking for them in the answers to the questions we ask. Sometimes the red flags appear in the way our questions are avoided and not answered directly.
For instance, if a person is reluctant to reveal any of the details of their past, it is often a big, fat indicator that they are trying to cover something up. On the other hand, they may not trust you and just do not want to let you get to know them.
Everyone Wears A Mask To The World
While everyone wants to present the best picture of themself, including you, a genuine person should not be playing cover-up all the time. Sooner or later, if you develop a relationship with someone that becomes deep enough, the details of a person's past will become known to you anyway. Persons of integrity should be willing to reveal who they are and where they are coming from if they are sincere about having a good relationship with you.
Of course no one likes getting 20 questions right off the bat including you. So its more in the listening over a period of time and asking some subtle questions as the topics come up, that reveals the red-flags.
In God's Eyes, No One is Better Than Anyone Else
God is no respecter of human beings (Acts 10:34). This means that God does not respect you nor does He respect any other human being on earth. He created you and everyone else. If you created something, would you respect it? Of course not. You would be the creator and would have control of your creation. So it is with God having created you. God however is even better than us because despite the fact that He created us, He still gives us free will to make our own choices.
Also because every human being is a sinner, no person is above another person in the eyes of God. Period.
Read Your Bible and Attend A Bible Based Church And Tithe
The Holy Bible is the Word of God. It contains the information you need to live a long and abundant life and deal with every situation you will ever encounter on Earth. Read it every day. Even two sentences per day is better than skipping it because you think you have to read a whole chapter at a time. Get that in you down deep. Read it because it will help you if you do.
Attend a Bible-based church on a regular basis and tithe your income to the church you choose as your home. The Bible says to tithe to the church. The tithe is the first 10% of your income. God can do more with your 10% tithe than you can do with 100% of your income.
How will you know if the church you are attending is Bible-based? By reading your Bible and comparing what is said and done in church to what is in the Bible. While many churches are Christian, many are not Bible-based. If it says it in the Holy Bible, it is God's Word and is right in His sight. Don't let anyone else or any church tell you otherwise.
Pray Effectively And Without Ceasing
Is there a wrong way to pray? Perhaps. Let's instead focus on the right way to pray. Some ways are more effective than others. Jesus taught is to pray as per the Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9). I do not think he meant for us to memorize it and pray it exactly as it is written in the Word. Instead I think He meant to show us what we should be thinking about when we pray. Nonetheless, the Lord's Prayer does cover all areas we should be praying for in general and does not hurt to memorize it and remind ourselves with it how we should pray.
Note the part "forgive us of our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us" Some texts say instead, "forgive us of our debts and we forgive our debtors". This is all about us forgiving others for their sins so we can be forgiven of ours.
Pray without ceasing does not mean to stay home from work and not do anything but be in our prayer place, on our knees, praying 24/7. Instead this means that we should be thinking about the Lord all the day long no matter where we are and should in our minds be praying all the time. Whenever problems come up, pray. When things are going well, pray. When everything is just fine, pray. When we see someone in need, pray. When we are doing our work, pray. You can pray under your breath. You can pray in your mind without folding your hands or saying a word. Pray without ceasing. God Listens.
I hope this page has information that has been and will be useful to you in your persuit of the Lord and in learning to not only forgive others but to also fully accept the price paid in full by Jesus for your sins and forgive yourself too.
HALLELUJAH!!!
(God is With Us)
Source: http://www.SavedByHisBlood.com/ForgivingTheUnforgivable.htm